#003 The Retirement home
You work at a retirement home for aging superheroes with dementia/Alzheimer’s. As you hand an elderly superhero their lunch tray, they mistake you for a villain they fought 60 years ago and prepare to fight you
“Doctor Evil is that you!!!” screams Super-Boring as I like to call him. He has a superhero name, but the guy’s entirely out of this world, and he yells at me the same thing every day. I just want to give lunch to these guys and go back to flirt with that new, incredibly sexy nurse. She’s not into me, but I’m persistent. I work in a retirement home, after all. I have to have thick skin, and the guy who got me this gig was on my “punish hard if I ever get superpowers or feel like it.”
“Doctor Evil, come back here!!!! I’ll destroy you!! Finally, the day has come that I, Super Boring (he didn’t say super boring), will defeat you and be the best superhero that has ever lived. I’ve waited so long for this time!! Let’s go, boys, let’s band together and defeat this scoundrel!!!”
Wow, he’s pushing today. And who says “scoundrel” anymore. I’m glad that they don’t remember how to use their powers because some of them would be quite painful to endure. Anyway, where’s that tasty nurse. Is her shift over are……
I feel something giant flying over my head, hitting the wall in front of me. It looks like the game table that they use to play whatever they play daily. It can’t be. I look back, and I see him up on his feet doing the superman pose (you know the one I’m talking about) or trying to because his back is not what it was. But that table was not there, and I’m shocked to think that this guy just threw a table at me?!?!
“Come on. Fight me! Don’t run away, like you always do.”
Ok, this is not funny. This guy just grabbed a table and destroyed it, and he is standing, two things that he never did. Oh my, the other ones are getting up too.
“That’s it, boys! He will not escape us anymore.”
Oh shit, this is not good. Not good indeed. I call the other person that is more used to dealing with people that don’t behave, and they come like bouncers ready to kick these guys off the bar. They first do what they always do.
“Come on, Super Boring. Let’s calm down and have some pudding. It’s lunchtime, and your food is getting cold. You can go and throw tables around. People can get hurt.”
“But that’s Doctor Evil itself, the most dangerous villain of all time, and he’s here to taunt me once again! I will defeat him”. He starts to get agitated, but that’s not the worse part. His body starts to recover, and the muscles growing like he found the fountain of youth and drank from it.
“No, he’s not Doctor Evil. He’s Kevin. The nice guy who brings you lunch every day.”
“He is Doctor Evil, Super Boring is right,” says Captain farts, because this guy farts superhero farts. I know it’s cruel, but do you know what superhero farts are? Well, let me tell you. It’s the kind of farts that either throw you off your feet and hug the next wall. He does it without even noticing, leaving a trail of destruction on his path. And the smell. Oh my god. Imagine the worse smell that you ever smelled—got that on your mind? Now think about that coming out of a superheroes’ but with no control whatsoever. We have to leave the room and use gas masks. I kid you not.
“Let’s all sit down and relax. Don’t you remember Kevin? You see him every day.”
That’s when it happens. Super Boring shoves the two custodians out of the way, and they fly in opposite directions like two bullets, and I’ll spare you the details, but they were not getting up soon.
He grabs me and, my god, now I’m scared. I’m not what you can call a fit guy. I don’t even play video games where my character is in shape.
“You’re going to jail!! I did it; I finally did it! I’ll be famous!”
Captain farts, shove him away, and grabs me.
“He killed my family. I’ll be the one delivering justice!” and as he says this, he grabs me with one hand. I don’t think my feet are touching the floor anymore.
“Oh no, you don’t!!!! He’s MINE!!!”, says “I Wonder if she’s a woman” while kicking both out of the way to reach me. They don’t seem interested in me anymore, so they drop me, and I run. They look at each other with the look of destruction an,d the most epic (not so epic, but we’re in a retirement home, remember?) fight starts!
The captain throws the first punch to Super, and he dodges it. My mouth is on the floor now. They can move and quite fast. The woman grabs the remains of the table and finds a weapon that she promptly uses to hit Captain in the head. The result is zero (he’s a superhero, remember), and they continue punching and screaming. Walls start to get damaged, and we get all out of there as soon as possible. We’re outside and see Super going throw the wall into the garden where we are. He gets up and runs (I kid you not) inside. I can only hear walls cracking, and they destroy the whole hospital.
After a while, we can only see ruins, and the three come out from there with a sense of accomplishment. They destroyed everything, and all the ones that still are powerless are back is in the yard, super scared of what’s happening.
The director of the hospital comes forward and says, “STOP! Please! What are you doing!! You’re supposed to be the good guys”.
The captain laughs and says. “The pudding is crap. Find a better cook, and, by the way, I’m hungry! Where’s Kevin with the lunch?”